This Trivial Thing Is Destroying Your Relationships

I drew this.

My partner of 17 years and I argued last night.

It was about whether the Scientology Sea Org had boats. Did it happen… at sea? Or was that just its name? If it was at sea, did it transport things? Fish? How did it sustain its boat fleet financially?

We trashed ten minutes of a date squabbling over a religion that we do not intend to join. No one we know is a Scientologist. I’m not even sure we’ve met a Scientologist.

Arguing over facts is wrecking your relationships.

If a loved one is doing something that hurts your feelings, by all means, tell them. If you are having emotions — about any part of your relationship — don’t bottle them up.

That said, don’t trash your date at Noodles and Company over an argument about the Sea Org.

Arguments are basically ego battles over who is right, who is smarter, who is, ultimately, better. You are belittling your loved ones to feel better about yourself.

I drew this, too.

Actually, while we’re discussing facts, I’d like to mention that…

Most facts don’t matter.

In a universe of infinite facts, only a few actively affect your life at any given time.

People about to join the Sea Org might want to understand its economics, structure, and history. If you’re on a cult-fighting activist, facts about it may help you decide whether to protest it. But generally, in this world, Sea Org doesn’t matter — and neither does anything else.

Which sound effects should be written into subtitles? What’s Emma Stone’s natural hair color? How old is Jason Statham? What’s up with “new car smell”? These are all arguments I’ve had with my husband and none of them have mattered.

Even “bigger” issues don’t matter.

I’d argue it doesn’t matter whether the earth is flat or round. This doesn’t affect your day-to-day life at all. (Note: it is round, though.)

This is not selfishness or nihilism. This is about priorities. Will you prioritize this fact over your connection to your loved one?

Yes, I also drew this.

When you’re about to argue about a fact, consider the following:

Is your fact immediately relevant?

If someone’s about to shake a baby, argue. If someone’s about to make the wrong turn on a highway, argue. If someone is about to drink on certain medications, argue. If someone’s about to join a cult, argue.

Notice the word “immediately.” Timing matters.

Does this affect an action you’re about to take? Don’t argue about politics if there isn’t an election coming up. Don’t argue about circumcision unless you’ve got a baby boy in front of you that requires a decision. Don’t argue about whether we’ve really landed on the moon unless you’re about to go up there yourself.

Can you look it up?

Phones are assholes that’ll eat up your time.

They also can plug into most collective human knowledge.

You guessed it: I drew this.

Can you shut this shit down right now with Google?

Can you stop this before it starts?

Or maybe…

Can you just concede?

Try this phrase on for size: “I don’t know.”

I also enjoy: “I’m curious about this. Let’s look into it later.”

This one sucks, but it works: “You know, I might be wrong.”

This is the last drawing today.

There’s also changing the subject. Drastically. Abruptly.

“Huh, dunno about that. Are we still doing trivia this week with our friends?”

Point at something nearby. “Is that store new?” “Look at that cute dog.” “Should we go to California this summer?”

In summary: choose your battles.

Decide between your ego and your loved ones.

Trust me, your loved ones are better.